urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined my mind's creation beautyimagined 2007-02-15T02:08:45Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:20771 2007-02-15T02:08:45Z 2007-02-15T02:08:45Z your actions are based entirely on how your day is going and how you feel at the moment but your actions affect others and it doens't matter that you're having a bad day, that is not a good reason to treat someone like trash, and it's not okay that later you can treat them special because it doesn't make up for anything. and from now on i give up on you and i don't care about you. you are my family but it doens't mean i like you or respect you. fuck yourself. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:20524 2007-02-09T19:51:58Z 2007-02-09T19:51:58Z my wedding is in a year and a half. <br />we are not planning ahead. we are not planning too soon.<br />we are getting things done on the schedule they need to get done on.<br />and i'm sick of people stating otherwise because they have no idea what they are talking about.<br /><br />already there are venues that we thought about using that we can't, because the date we want to use is booked. they are already fully booked for that weekend, which is a year and a half from now.<br /><br />at the venue we've had regular contact with we have been told our weekend is currently free, but we have to decide as soon as possible, because it could book. other weekends around that time are already booked.<br /><br />by an old friend who has been planning her wedding for the past year we were told, 'book now'<br />by a friend who got married just over a year ago we were told, 'book soon'<br />by my mom would got married twenty-five years ago we were told 'you've got to get booking things'<br />by so many people we were asked/told 'why are you booking now, it's too soon'<br /><br />there is a skating rink in cornell area now. it is booked multiple years in advanced. people who have babies are booking it now for their birthdays years ahead of time for when those babies are old enough to have birthdays where they can skate. that's just for birthday parties as an arena and it is getting booked literally years in advance. i was told this by multiple customers who come into my store.<br /><br />a co-workeris renting an RV like vehicle for august of this year. it is now february. she booked it in the first week of this month and she got the last one available because the rest are all already booked. that's 6 months in advanced for a simple camping weekend.<br /><br />if you have been married before but let your wife plan the wedding than you know nothing about planning a wedding. you don't know when things get booked or how much planning is involved. if you have been married before and your wife's family paid for most of the wedding than you have no idea how much a wedding costs and how much every little detail adds up and how to save for this sort of event and how to stay on a budget. if you've never been married but think you know about it because you are middle aged, you don't.<br /><br />don't judge my actions because you are older than me. don't judge my actions because you have more education than me. because CLEARLY you don't know what the fuck you are talking about. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:20448 2007-02-08T01:19:10Z 2007-02-08T01:19:10Z on sunday we went to washago and had lunch with my mom at the house, and than we went to collingwood with her to see a potential wedding venue. the driving was not so good due to white out conditions, but we made it. the lady there seemed nice, but not helpful in the numerical sense which is what planning a wedding really comes down to with any one who has any sort of budget. when we got back she said she'd e-mail us a menu that could help sort out some worries, but it's wednesday and we still haven't gotten an e-mail. i don't know what to think about this.<br /><br />my dad wouldn't come with us to check out the place. he said extra opinions weren't needed. part of me feels like shit that he didn't want to come because it feels like my whole life being played over again. on the other hand reggie might be coming to terms with what is going on and actually realizes that this wedding is happening which is good.<br /><br />i don't relate to most people now. by most, i mean almost everyone. <br /><br />i'm really hungry and don't feel like cooking or waiting for food to be cooked tonight.<br />i haven't seen kelvin since 5:50am, it's now 8:18pm and i just want to go to bed.<br />i think we'll have pizza tonight, that would be good. or leftover potatoe cheese soup.<br /><br />i'm worn out. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:20053 2007-01-28T01:05:59Z 2007-01-28T01:05:59Z tommorow-<br />.kelvin drives me to work early<br />.take cab home<br />.kelvin home 7:30ish<br />.wash uniforms<br /><br />monday-<br />.kelvin school<br />.kelvin drives me to work<br />.take cab home<br />.kelvin home 9:30ish<br /><br />tuesday-<br />.kelvin takes me to work<br />.take cab home<br />.kelvin home 9:30ish<br /><br />wednesday-<br />.kelvin school<br />.kelvin take me to work<br />.cab home<br />.kelvin home 9:30ish<br /><br />thursday-<br />.kelvin school<br />.get ride from miss<br />.kelvin pick me up<br /><br />friday-<br />.kelvin school<br /><br />saturday-<br />.kelvin take me to work<br />.kelv work<br />.kelv take me home on dinner break<br />.kelv home 9:30ish<br />.kelv work at reno job<br /><br />sunday-<br />.check out wedding venue<br />.ballet<br />.kelv work at reno job urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:19769 2007-01-20T06:23:45Z 2007-01-20T06:23:45Z i went to a wedding show today.<br />i got free things.<br />it was fun.<br /><br />i also emailed an old friend today. i don' expect i'll be getting a reply, but there's hope in me.<br />i hope i don't let myself be disappointed if theres no reply.<br /><br />i work tommorrow.<br />i haven't been sleeping well lately.<br /><br />today i was told, "erica you're gonna make a great mum but also you make a sweet friend"<br /><br />last night i was told "you're wiser than you would ever give yourself credit for" urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:19584 2007-01-11T17:36:41Z 2007-01-11T17:36:41Z my wedding is in a year and a half.<br />the last tire that needed to be fixed on the car gets replaced today.<br />kelvin was out of the house before 5:40 this morning, he won't be home until sometime after 7pm.<br />i'm still not sure how i'm getting today, wether it be walking or getting a ride.<br />snow pressed it's coldness into our ground for only but a moment, and now the sun shines and the grass looks a sad shade of green.<br />my wedding is in a year and a half. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:19433 2006-12-28T05:57:58Z 2006-12-28T05:57:58Z we got baby fishies. and i hung out with graham after work. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:19077 2006-12-24T22:05:07Z 2006-12-24T22:05:07Z RFP Cornelius is dead. He died of internal bleeding, and is buried in the front garden. In the spring I will plant him a flower, something that will come back each year so he can live on forever. I miss him, and his splishy splashy ways. I go over to his tank multiple times a day to check on his air, or feed him, or a chat. He was with us for two years and two months. Such a wonderful feeder fish. Every time I let myself think about it I cry, he lived for so long, much longer than expected. We might get two baby feeder fish on Wednesday, we'll see.<br /><br />Tonight is Catholic Mass and Thai Food. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:18801 2006-12-15T18:41:39Z 2006-12-15T18:41:39Z i get so stressed about silly little things.<br />i think tonight i'll treat us to ethiopian food and try to get back on track. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:18685 2006-12-11T18:15:19Z 2006-12-11T18:15:19Z lately we've been trying to figure out wedding costs which has got me thinking about the friends i've made over my lifetime. i also watched the sisterhood of the travelling pants, which was corny as i expected, but also touched a soft spot in me, because it made me think of my girls. there's a lot of memories stored up in this brain. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:18212 2006-11-27T18:11:01Z 2006-11-27T18:11:01Z i was really happy with who showed up on saturday and it was a nice time. i'm surprised by how many people brought me gifts and it was very touching. i was also really impressed by how quickly some people were to help clean up the many spills that occured.<br />however, i was disappointed and somewhat appalled by how much waste occured. for every type of beer, except one, that was brought i found a full opened bottle. i understand if people open it and decide they don't want it, or that they are drunk enough, or if it's put down and you forget where, but the amount of drinks we found was ridiculous. beer, wine, cake, pizza, pop and juice were all wasted to a very large extent. i'm glad i don't live like that, but i'm very sad i live in a world like that.<br />i had to get that off my head/chest, but overall it seriously was a good time. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:17982 2006-11-21T19:54:23Z 2006-11-21T19:54:23Z In one week I will be twenty, which is very young.<br /><br />The past couple years have been the most calm, the most relaxed, and could be seen as filler years, but truly they leveled me off and let me know I was going to be okay, and I am okay which is nice. Every day I'm overwhelmed by love, a love for kelvin, and our little pets, and the important people in my life, including myself. I don't fill myself with hate.<br />I'm getting better at looking at myself in the mirror and not critiquing, and some days I even see a glimpse of something I like which is amazing and scary all at once. I've learned to love my mind, rather than hate it, which has calmed my mind and created less to hate in the first place.<br /><br />I've lived through daily doctor visits which changed to weekly, and now I'm at a point where I haven't been to a doctor in years. I find it very odd that years have actually passed. I lived through the three-time-a-week chiropractors, and now I have a man to fall asleep next to who will rub my back when it aches, which is less than before, though still most of the time. I lived through the pills that were prescribed and in the past month I threw out the long ago hidden stashes, and all I have left is a small container which I keep only for the memories. I take painkillers to help with physical pain only, and they work that way. I lived through therapists and psychiatrists and group therapy and opinions and judgments and work sheets and personality tests and mood disorder quizzes.<br /><br />I eat, once, sometimes twice or three times daily. Fat sits on my body, rests on my bones, and it's more or less okay.<br /><br />No longer do I fool around with people I don't know, or have friends I don't respect. I have not drank alcohol in a long time; I can't remember when I last did. I haven't smoked pot in possibly longer. I very rarely smoke cigarettes and I can sometimes even smell them now without their scent being appealing. I don't cut myself, or punch my bruises. I don't cut my hair because I'm having a bad day. I don't write, nor do I try to remember.<br />I'm no longer obsessed with music, though I enjoy it. I don't use self talk of any form. Rarely do I deal with illusions. Rarely do I cry.<br /><br />I tried to fix everything with my parents in a short amount of time. They still make me angry; I cannot forgive. I try to remind myself of the good things and remember to try to make it work. I still don't let them know me, even though I had planned on it. I'm still closed off to most people. I am still hurt.<br /><br />I am like a reflection in a fun house mirror to my former self, I am still the same person, but I have changed and the changes are evident if you look. I no longer try to pinpoint who I am.<br /><br />Everyday I make the choice to stay on top. I will make it.<br />Next week I will be twenty. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:17668 2006-11-13T17:02:15Z 2006-11-13T17:02:15Z i can feel really good and really level and then i can crash really quickly over something minor.<br />i don't laugh, you may hear the sound leave my mouth but it's not felt, it's merely on automatic.<br />my parents frustrate me. i miss my grandpa, the hero, i probably won't get to see him for his party which is shit. i hate when schedules don't meet in the right place.<br />i think this is the last year i try, that is sad, my family is broken now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:17480 2006-10-17T19:59:34Z 2006-10-17T19:59:34Z i feel tired and depressed and worn out but i also feel happy and full of life.<br />i feel overwhlemed by good and bad.<br /><br />we live in the basement now, and so does toby.<br />jake sits in front of his cage and wathces over him, they bop noses.<br /><br />i tried to organize our books, there are too many and i feel stupid because i can't get anything organized.<br />there are too many things to get done.<br /><br />i'm having people over for my birthday next month. i'm not a good hostess, i'm not even very social, i decided to do it on a whim, and now i've invited people i have to go through with it. i don't know how to entertain people and i don't think our living space is set up for people to hang out.<br />i'm a loser.<br /><br />i want to buy more frames. i have no money. i've lost my goverment cheque.<br />i need stamps. i need hugs. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:17220 2006-10-06T01:41:39Z 2006-10-06T01:41:39Z november 25th i'm having anyone who wants to come over for my birthday.<br />my birthday is a few days after that.<br />it will be very mellow, or very exciting, whatever floats your boat.<br /><br />wireless internet connection is messed up and is frustrating.<br />i'm making my parents and my grandparents both a scrapbook for their anniversaires [25 yrs and 50yrs]<br /><br /><br />life is neat and can be exciting or can be calming and nice.<br />i don't want to walk to work tommorow because i don't know where my watch is.<br />i crave pizza a lot and then i end up eating it almost every day.<br />i love kelvin. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:17131 2006-09-22T15:27:42Z 2006-09-22T15:27:42Z last september i was working at scholastic, very different schedules took place, yet just as enjoyable and meaningful as now.<br /><br />i think i might be catching kelvin's cold, but i think my want for a baby is contagious as well. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:16709 2006-09-06T15:47:10Z 2006-09-06T15:47:10Z new routines, new frustrations, new adventures.<br />i love waking up with jake sleeping near, and then watching "a baby story" all morning until i have to work.<br />i could live this life for awhile before going crazy from it. <br />i need stamps, i have a letter i weote 3 wks ago still sitting unsent.<br />the tree outside my window is already starting to change color and i think i'm getting a cold. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:16623 2006-09-04T01:42:06Z 2006-09-04T01:42:06Z +Tonight Kelvin and I made lasagna, and I think Reggie wasn't aware I could cook. More and more as the days go by I think of Reggie as Dad.<br />+Today Kelvin bought me four over priced shirts which I love and the lady in the store helped me find things I'd like and she's so nice and I adore her store<br />+We drank bubble tea and then went to Wendy's for lunch and it feels so good to have food with flavour<br />+Last night we saw Crank and it was hardcore and we also had Pizza Hut with Joey<br />+I love hanging out with Joey<br />+It drives me crazy having Tony stay here because I like my space and I hate when people intrude on my routines<br />+I got a Sears Wish Book and I found the engagement ring I want but then found out it was cubic zirconia not a diamond and I am disappointed to all high hell<br />+we hung out with Sherri-Lynn on a picnic table and I love her always<br />+And my Dad made excellent pork for dinner and my parent's liked the souveniers I bought them<br />+My mom made Toby a hammock<br />+Both are critters are safely at home with us <br />+It's so rainy and cold <br />+I somewhat dred this next week<br /><br />_Cuba was excellent. We rode horses through the country side and we rode a Banana Boat which was enjoyable but also not so much as salt water hurts the eyes and lungs and we rode a Horse Carraige through Old Dwontwon Havana and I love it there because it's pure beauty and we felt really bad for the stray dogs all week but the people in Cuba in general live a really good life, or at least in what we saw of Havana as well as Cojimar and the food there is right terrible and it sucks not hvaing hot showers but the beach was nice and I loved wave jumping and Hurricane Ernest was supposed to hit us but didn't which gives me faith in my prayers and the little shops have so many excellent little things and the people are friendly and we didn't have a single problem at any of the airports and I know we'll go on many more trips + We have the rest of our lives ahead of us<br /><br />+I'm watching Finding Nemo urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:16157 2006-08-24T04:02:14Z 2006-08-24T04:02:14Z saw my friendly last night which was nice, though on my walk home i nearly gave my self an anxiety attack because i'm silly like that. said goodbye to my tobias for a week today, which was sort of depressing. had lunch with my parents. went on a short canoe ride with ali. i love my sister, i wish i could see her more. i wish we lived together and that justin wasn't in the picture. sadly, i don't get to play puppeteer in others lives. saw shlynn and meghan breifly, v. exciting. went to dinner w reggie and joey, twas nice.<br />cuba in some hours- eek, wow. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:16015 2006-08-19T03:52:56Z 2006-08-19T03:52:56Z things have been hectic. lots of time downtown, lots of food, friends, talks, the hospital.<br />cuba is very soon. new times are very soon. exciting. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:15706 2006-08-10T23:19:25Z 2006-08-10T23:19:25Z last night i watched 40 days and 40 nights, and it was just as cute as i remembered it to be. i like the idea of lent a lot, it's something that interests me, though i don't know what i'd give up.<br />when kelvin came home we watched my fair lady, which remains one of my favorite movies/musicals.<br />i woke up today and everything was wrong, i feel sad and awful for no paticular reason. i bought kiwi green tea and chopan choclates to make everything better but they didn't help. kelvin played the african cd we borrowed from the library for me because the music is amazing and usually makes me feel really good inside, but i could still feel the sadness and i cried the whole way home.<br />i found my foster grants broken, and that really upsets me because i've had them along time and they've gotten a few minor scratches but i take care of my things so they don't break.<br />i got a sears catalogue hoping to be able to look through it for anniversary ideas and egt my list started up nice and early this year but there wasn't anything in it i found appealing.<br />gilbert and gerald came over to fix the laptop, unsuccessfully.<br />kelvin's barbeque-ing and african music is filling the house.i sat with toby for a long time but then he bit my toe and so i told him i would leave if he bit me, so i went upstairs, when i came back down five minutes later he'd knocked his water dish over in revolt, he has a big attitude, but i adore him for his spirit. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:15529 2006-08-10T01:25:43Z 2006-08-10T01:25:43Z i was in a really good mood, after having slept in,reading in bed all afternoon and then going to the library to borrow cd's and movies. i learned how to roll a cigarette and after three trys had made one worth smoking. i ate my dinner at a picnic table. and i've almost ate all my bagels and feta spread.<br />but then i came home and the phone rang and i knew who was on the other end and i talked w joey a bit about things and then i read an e-mail from my mom and i need to go to the dentist but i'm holding it off because i have no money to spare because i'm going on this trip and i want to get my tattoo and my boss might leave the company in which case i think it's a pretty safe bet i will be by either choice or necessasity and suddenly with in moments everything feels very up in the air and it scares me and overwhelms me and i just feel awful. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:15222 2006-08-08T01:48:16Z 2006-08-08T01:48:16Z the other day i finished more,now,again by elizabeth wurtzel and now i'm reading a memoir which i think is called skin games. reading things seems like looking in the past but with a clearer head on my shoulders.<br /><br />on saturday i talked for hours with brie about parenting and flying cars and animals and racism and many other things and it flowed and it felt wonderful to speak with someone who is aware and confident.<br /><br /> i also went downtown that night but the caribana festivities were over, but we still got to have pulled chicken and potatoe pancakes, and kelvin ate corn where as i wanted ice cream but then i remembered i can't have any. <br />live raggae was playing and it made me feel really good inside.<br /><br />yesterday i watched an entire season of sex and the city and i enjoyed it very much. sometimes it makes me think of the very simple things which are in front of our faces but not always brought to our attentions.<br /><br />today we went to honest ed's because i'd never been and i wanted to buy baby clothes and it was hard not to cry. the weather was perfect and we ate outside as a family.<br /><br />last week i almost called reggie dad while we were at the movies.<br />tonight i broke a shelf in our fridge.<br />this morning i woke up to kelvin yelling at julie on the phone.<br />yesterday afternoon we started to put things in a suitcase for cuba.<br /><br />simple things like toby hoping make me happy. jake greeting me with kisses and a wagging tail. reading at the picnic tables at toogoodpond. walks at scarborough bluffs, too good, around our neighborhood. library trips.<br /><br />sometimes i want a new start, other times i know this is just the beginning.<br />my fingers feel like prunes from washing the dishes.<br /><br />i haven't e-mailed my mom or dad in a long time, i can't be bothered.<br />i miss my sister sometimes.<br /><br />my new favorite sweet is Cho-pan, and inside there are music notes and it says things in a language i cannot read but then in english it says "Chopin" and i wonder if the music notes correctly coincide with one of his symphonies.<br /><br />on the bathroom counter there are tapes, Mozart, Haydn, Handel and Vivaldi because of me, next to them sits a snoopy hair dryer which i've never used myself.<br />i haven't cried in a very long time.<br /><br />it seems i had a lot i wanted to say today. when is it ever enough? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:15072 2006-08-01T03:53:00Z 2006-08-01T03:53:00Z when does happiness and depression collide, and where are the lines drawn to make them seperate from eachother. when does the music fade into the reality zone and when do the feelings make sense completely. is it possible to know all the answers and see everything you want to see but hide from all you don't. is hiding always a mistake. is looking in the past always falling backwards or can it become foward thinking.i don't want to sink just yet, but is treading water the way to go. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:beautyimagined:14640 2006-07-28T02:50:29Z 2006-07-28T02:50:29Z yesterday i dropped balloons off at adam's, sadly he wasn't there for me to see him.<br />we went to washago and saw edward and brandon. there was paddle boat fun and bbq'd food and scrabble and lots of talking, especially from the boys mouths. edward made a picture for kelvin and i each, and they are now on our wall.<br />today we went to scarborough bluffs and then p-mall/market village where we met up w gerald and i found a bag to buy for cuba but then the store was closed before we got there in time but we had bubble tea which was tasty. and then kelvin and i read and had good talks at toogood pond and we saw art work there that the police were photographing.<br /><br />lately life has been a lot of library trips, sunny days, car rides with the windows down, smoking, good conversation matched with good music. i think i'll be done my quilt in about a month if i work on it. i'm finally reading more, now, again by elizbeth wurtzel. <br />a few days back we finally went to the chapters outlet store and there are a lot of amazing books and good prices and i loved it there and we will spend more time there. and we went to a 24hr second cup downtown where the chocolate tart was too strong and the italian soda was just right and the company was perfect. summer is feeling full of life like no other season.<br /><br />i'm planning to start a list of 1,000 places i want to see, touch, smell, experience.<br />there's a book of places to see before you die, but i'd rather make my own.<br />one place on the list is Dinosaur Provincial Park in Alberta.<br /><br />i feel so completely alive and wrapped up in life.<br />when i dream i dream about life now, it's amazing, and sleep feels so much more fulfilling.