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Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
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9:04 pm
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your actions are based entirely on how your day is going and how you feel at the moment but your actions affect others and it doens't matter that you're having a bad day, that is not a good reason to treat someone like trash, and it's not okay that later you can treat them special because it doesn't make up for anything. and from now on i give up on you and i don't care about you. you are my family but it doens't mean i like you or respect you. fuck yourself.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, February 9th, 2007
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2:43 am - rant.
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my wedding is in a year and a half.
we are not planning ahead. we are not planning too soon.
we are getting things done on the schedule they need to get done on.
and i'm sick of people stating otherwise because they have no idea what they are talking about.
already there are venues that we thought about using that we can't, because the date we want to use is booked. they are already fully booked for that weekend, which is a year and a half from now.
at the venue we've had regular contact with we have been told our weekend is currently free, but we have to decide as soon as possible, because it could book. other weekends around that time are already booked.
by an old friend who has been planning her wedding for the past year we were told, 'book now'
by a friend who got married just over a year ago we were told, 'book soon'
by my mom would got married twenty-five years ago we were told 'you've got to get booking things'
by so many people we were asked/told 'why are you booking now, it's too soon'
there is a skating rink in cornell area now. it is booked multiple years in advanced. people who have babies are booking it now for their birthdays years ahead of time for when those babies are old enough to have birthdays where they can skate. that's just for birthday parties as an arena and it is getting booked literally years in advance. i was told this by multiple customers who come into my store.
a co-workeris renting an RV like vehicle for august of this year. it is now february. she booked it in the first week of this month and she got the last one available because the rest are all already booked. that's 6 months in advanced for a simple camping weekend.
if you have been married before but let your wife plan the wedding than you know nothing about planning a wedding. you don't know when things get booked or how much planning is involved. if you have been married before and your wife's family paid for most of the wedding than you have no idea how much a wedding costs and how much every little detail adds up and how to save for this sort of event and how to stay on a budget. if you've never been married but think you know about it because you are middle aged, you don't.
don't judge my actions because you are older than me. don't judge my actions because you have more education than me. because CLEARLY you don't know what the fuck you are talking about.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, February 7th, 2007
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8:12 am
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on sunday we went to washago and had lunch with my mom at the house, and than we went to collingwood with her to see a potential wedding venue. the driving was not so good due to white out conditions, but we made it. the lady there seemed nice, but not helpful in the numerical sense which is what planning a wedding really comes down to with any one who has any sort of budget. when we got back she said she'd e-mail us a menu that could help sort out some worries, but it's wednesday and we still haven't gotten an e-mail. i don't know what to think about this.
my dad wouldn't come with us to check out the place. he said extra opinions weren't needed. part of me feels like shit that he didn't want to come because it feels like my whole life being played over again. on the other hand reggie might be coming to terms with what is going on and actually realizes that this wedding is happening which is good.
i don't relate to most people now. by most, i mean almost everyone.
i'm really hungry and don't feel like cooking or waiting for food to be cooked tonight.
i haven't seen kelvin since 5:50am, it's now 8:18pm and i just want to go to bed.
i think we'll have pizza tonight, that would be good. or leftover potatoe cheese soup.
i'm worn out.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 27th, 2007
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7:46 pm - the week so i know whats going on.
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tommorow-
.kelvin drives me to work early
.take cab home
.kelvin home 7:30ish
.wash uniforms
monday-
.kelvin school
.kelvin drives me to work
.take cab home
.kelvin home 9:30ish
tuesday-
.kelvin takes me to work
.take cab home
.kelvin home 9:30ish
wednesday-
.kelvin school
.kelvin take me to work
.cab home
.kelvin home 9:30ish
thursday-
.kelvin school
.get ride from miss
.kelvin pick me up
friday-
.kelvin school
saturday-
.kelvin take me to work
.kelv work
.kelv take me home on dinner break
.kelv home 9:30ish
.kelv work at reno job
sunday-
.check out wedding venue
.ballet
.kelv work at reno job
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 20th, 2007
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1:18 am
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i went to a wedding show today.
i got free things.
it was fun.
i also emailed an old friend today. i don' expect i'll be getting a reply, but there's hope in me.
i hope i don't let myself be disappointed if theres no reply.
i work tommorrow.
i haven't been sleeping well lately.
today i was told, "erica you're gonna make a great mum but also you make a sweet friend"
last night i was told "you're wiser than you would ever give yourself credit for"
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, January 11th, 2007
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12:34 am
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my wedding is in a year and a half.
the last tire that needed to be fixed on the car gets replaced today.
kelvin was out of the house before 5:40 this morning, he won't be home until sometime after 7pm.
i'm still not sure how i'm getting today, wether it be walking or getting a ride.
snow pressed it's coldness into our ground for only but a moment, and now the sun shines and the grass looks a sad shade of green.
my wedding is in a year and a half.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
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10:57 pm
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we got baby fishies. and i hung out with graham after work.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, December 24th, 2006
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3:05 pm
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Cornelius is dead. He died of internal bleeding, and is buried in the front garden. In the spring I will plant him a flower, something that will come back each year so he can live on forever. I miss him, and his splishy splashy ways. I go over to his tank multiple times a day to check on his air, or feed him, or a chat. He was with us for two years and two months. Such a wonderful feeder fish. Every time I let myself think about it I cry, he lived for so long, much longer than expected. We might get two baby feeder fish on Wednesday, we'll see.
Tonight is Catholic Mass and Thai Food.
current music: RFP
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, December 15th, 2006
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11:41 am
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i get so stressed about silly little things.
i think tonight i'll treat us to ethiopian food and try to get back on track.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, December 11th, 2006
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11:15 am
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lately we've been trying to figure out wedding costs which has got me thinking about the friends i've made over my lifetime. i also watched the sisterhood of the travelling pants, which was corny as i expected, but also touched a soft spot in me, because it made me think of my girls. there's a lot of memories stored up in this brain.
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, November 27th, 2006
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11:11 am
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i was really happy with who showed up on saturday and it was a nice time. i'm surprised by how many people brought me gifts and it was very touching. i was also really impressed by how quickly some people were to help clean up the many spills that occured.
however, i was disappointed and somewhat appalled by how much waste occured. for every type of beer, except one, that was brought i found a full opened bottle. i understand if people open it and decide they don't want it, or that they are drunk enough, or if it's put down and you forget where, but the amount of drinks we found was ridiculous. beer, wine, cake, pizza, pop and juice were all wasted to a very large extent. i'm glad i don't live like that, but i'm very sad i live in a world like that.
i had to get that off my head/chest, but overall it seriously was a good time.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
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12:54 pm
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In one week I will be twenty, which is very young.
The past couple years have been the most calm, the most relaxed, and could be seen as filler years, but truly they leveled me off and let me know I was going to be okay, and I am okay which is nice. Every day I'm overwhelmed by love, a love for kelvin, and our little pets, and the important people in my life, including myself. I don't fill myself with hate.
I'm getting better at looking at myself in the mirror and not critiquing, and some days I even see a glimpse of something I like which is amazing and scary all at once. I've learned to love my mind, rather than hate it, which has calmed my mind and created less to hate in the first place.
I've lived through daily doctor visits which changed to weekly, and now I'm at a point where I haven't been to a doctor in years. I find it very odd that years have actually passed. I lived through the three-time-a-week chiropractors, and now I have a man to fall asleep next to who will rub my back when it aches, which is less than before, though still most of the time. I lived through the pills that were prescribed and in the past month I threw out the long ago hidden stashes, and all I have left is a small container which I keep only for the memories. I take painkillers to help with physical pain only, and they work that way. I lived through therapists and psychiatrists and group therapy and opinions and judgments and work sheets and personality tests and mood disorder quizzes.
I eat, once, sometimes twice or three times daily. Fat sits on my body, rests on my bones, and it's more or less okay.
No longer do I fool around with people I don't know, or have friends I don't respect. I have not drank alcohol in a long time; I can't remember when I last did. I haven't smoked pot in possibly longer. I very rarely smoke cigarettes and I can sometimes even smell them now without their scent being appealing. I don't cut myself, or punch my bruises. I don't cut my hair because I'm having a bad day. I don't write, nor do I try to remember.
I'm no longer obsessed with music, though I enjoy it. I don't use self talk of any form. Rarely do I deal with illusions. Rarely do I cry.
I tried to fix everything with my parents in a short amount of time. They still make me angry; I cannot forgive. I try to remind myself of the good things and remember to try to make it work. I still don't let them know me, even though I had planned on it. I'm still closed off to most people. I am still hurt.
I am like a reflection in a fun house mirror to my former self, I am still the same person, but I have changed and the changes are evident if you look. I no longer try to pinpoint who I am.
Everyday I make the choice to stay on top. I will make it.
Next week I will be twenty.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 13th, 2006
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10:02 am
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i can feel really good and really level and then i can crash really quickly over something minor.
i don't laugh, you may hear the sound leave my mouth but it's not felt, it's merely on automatic.
my parents frustrate me. i miss my grandpa, the hero, i probably won't get to see him for his party which is shit. i hate when schedules don't meet in the right place.
i think this is the last year i try, that is sad, my family is broken now.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
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12:55 pm
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i feel tired and depressed and worn out but i also feel happy and full of life.
i feel overwhlemed by good and bad.
we live in the basement now, and so does toby.
jake sits in front of his cage and wathces over him, they bop noses.
i tried to organize our books, there are too many and i feel stupid because i can't get anything organized.
there are too many things to get done.
i'm having people over for my birthday next month. i'm not a good hostess, i'm not even very social, i decided to do it on a whim, and now i've invited people i have to go through with it. i don't know how to entertain people and i don't think our living space is set up for people to hang out.
i'm a loser.
i want to buy more frames. i have no money. i've lost my goverment cheque.
i need stamps. i need hugs.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 5th, 2006
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9:39 pm
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november 25th i'm having anyone who wants to come over for my birthday.
my birthday is a few days after that.
it will be very mellow, or very exciting, whatever floats your boat.
wireless internet connection is messed up and is frustrating.
i'm making my parents and my grandparents both a scrapbook for their anniversaires [25 yrs and 50yrs]
life is neat and can be exciting or can be calming and nice.
i don't want to walk to work tommorow because i don't know where my watch is.
i crave pizza a lot and then i end up eating it almost every day.
i love kelvin.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, September 22nd, 2006
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11:20 am
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last september i was working at scholastic, very different schedules took place, yet just as enjoyable and meaningful as now.
i think i might be catching kelvin's cold, but i think my want for a baby is contagious as well.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
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8:44 am
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new routines, new frustrations, new adventures.
i love waking up with jake sleeping near, and then watching "a baby story" all morning until i have to work.
i could live this life for awhile before going crazy from it.
i need stamps, i have a letter i weote 3 wks ago still sitting unsent.
the tree outside my window is already starting to change color and i think i'm getting a cold.
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
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6:29 pm
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+Tonight Kelvin and I made lasagna, and I think Reggie wasn't aware I could cook. More and more as the days go by I think of Reggie as Dad.
+Today Kelvin bought me four over priced shirts which I love and the lady in the store helped me find things I'd like and she's so nice and I adore her store
+We drank bubble tea and then went to Wendy's for lunch and it feels so good to have food with flavour
+Last night we saw Crank and it was hardcore and we also had Pizza Hut with Joey
+I love hanging out with Joey
+It drives me crazy having Tony stay here because I like my space and I hate when people intrude on my routines
+I got a Sears Wish Book and I found the engagement ring I want but then found out it was cubic zirconia not a diamond and I am disappointed to all high hell
+we hung out with Sherri-Lynn on a picnic table and I love her always
+And my Dad made excellent pork for dinner and my parent's liked the souveniers I bought them
+My mom made Toby a hammock
+Both are critters are safely at home with us
+It's so rainy and cold
+I somewhat dred this next week
_Cuba was excellent. We rode horses through the country side and we rode a Banana Boat which was enjoyable but also not so much as salt water hurts the eyes and lungs and we rode a Horse Carraige through Old Dwontwon Havana and I love it there because it's pure beauty and we felt really bad for the stray dogs all week but the people in Cuba in general live a really good life, or at least in what we saw of Havana as well as Cojimar and the food there is right terrible and it sucks not hvaing hot showers but the beach was nice and I loved wave jumping and Hurricane Ernest was supposed to hit us but didn't which gives me faith in my prayers and the little shops have so many excellent little things and the people are friendly and we didn't have a single problem at any of the airports and I know we'll go on many more trips + We have the rest of our lives ahead of us
+I'm watching Finding Nemo
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 24th, 2006
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12:00 am
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saw my friendly last night which was nice, though on my walk home i nearly gave my self an anxiety attack because i'm silly like that. said goodbye to my tobias for a week today, which was sort of depressing. had lunch with my parents. went on a short canoe ride with ali. i love my sister, i wish i could see her more. i wish we lived together and that justin wasn't in the picture. sadly, i don't get to play puppeteer in others lives. saw shlynn and meghan breifly, v. exciting. went to dinner w reggie and joey, twas nice.
cuba in some hours- eek, wow.
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| Friday, August 18th, 2006
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11:49 pm
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things have been hectic. lots of time downtown, lots of food, friends, talks, the hospital.
cuba is very soon. new times are very soon. exciting.
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